


life goes on

by sleepingatnight



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, One Shot, Past Kageyama Tobio/Oikawa Tooru, Past Sexual Abuse, Slow Burn, Suicide Attempt, i am really sad, i just want kageyama happy, i wrote this instead of doing a presentation, idk how to write summaries, past kenma kozume/hinata shouyou
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-14
Updated: 2016-11-14
Packaged: 2018-08-30 23:07:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8553118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleepingatnight/pseuds/sleepingatnight
Summary: kageyama returns to school after three years, after being horrified by tragedies of the past, to meet hinata; the boy who ruined and saved his life.





	

**Author's Note:**

> there are multiple triggers in this story so please be cautious!   
> homophobia, vomiting, attempted suicide and mentions of suicide, drug usage, and molestation. (also intense crying but i dont know if that is a trigger?)   
> also i write without using capitals!! soz!

faint beeping from the alarm clock in the corner of kageyama’s bedroom awoke him, and he laid there in the darkness. it was another morning, another day. he looked to his side to see his alarm clocks red flashing numbers telling him it was indeed time to get ready for school. it was his first day in high school after being homeschooled for the last three years. it was the last year he’d be in high school, only 190 days, he could do this in his sleep.   
slowly, he lifted the corner of his bedsheets to unveil himself from the soft cocoon of cotton. kageyama sauntered over to his desk, shut off the alarm, and began to count everything around him. two pillows, one poster, three empty glasses that had water in them once, one desk, one chair, a black hoodie, and three books. he swiped the books off from his desk, and began to read the titles. scarlet ibis, the tragedy of romeo and juliet, and a book of robert frost’s best poems. he knew these stories were all cliché, but he didn’t mind. in ways, they calmed him down. the beautiful sonnets that flowed from shakespeare gave kageyama a sense of hope, or a proximity of safeness. the scarlet ibis reminded kageyama to not take people for granted.. robert frost’s lines about nature gave kageyama a peaceful state of mind. this is how he coped, the three books in this very room kept him sane. he’d reread them at any time of the day if he was feeling down, or reminded of dark times.   
kageyama didn’t have a pretty past. he was never to speak of it again, not even to his family. they knew he had issues, and they tried to help him but nothing seemed to make him happy anymore. everything was the same, and kageyama became turmoil. these past two years away from other kids in his small neighborhood was nice but did not help with kageyama’s terrible sense at making friends. he couldn’t let people become close to him. he couldn’t trust anyone anymore because of his past relations. he couldn’t.   
beginning high school at the school a few towns away though helped ease kageyama’s nerves, he wouldn’t have to see his old friends who made him regret that he was born, that he had the life he lived. they made him feel worthless. everywhere he would go, his hands would shake in fear of someone he used to know seeing him. he didn’t travel on his own anymore.   
taking his toothbrush from the cup near the sink, he counted two pea-sized shapes of toothpaste onto the soft bristles. he started to brush his teeth, humming the ABC’s and thinking about what he would wear today. he decided that he should not think to much of it, then spit out the minty paste and rinsed his mouth with water for 8 seconds. he had taken a shower the night before, not bothering to properly dry it so his hair fell flat onto his head. no one would notice hopefully, despite his tallness and gloomy aura.   
“no one is paying attention to you because they’re so fixated on you noticing them!” his father told him once. he was sort of right, kageyama never payed attention to other people, he was distracted by the feeling of everyone’s eyes stuck on him. maybe no one was noticing him? he hoped not.  
the last thing that kageyama needed in addition to starting school during his third year was people seeing his dull face and shaking hands and thinking, _what a shame._ that would be his last straw, sympathy. after countless days at the hospital, the funeral, the guidance counselor at his junior high, and his family giving him numerous looks of pity and apologies, he cannot stand the idea of sympathy.   
his mother calling his name down stripped him from his thoughts, and he went downstairs. she handed him his medication, and he gulped it down with a glass of water. _it’s to keep you calm dear, you are going to be okay. you won’t hear those negative voices in your head anymore_ , was what his doctor said at the time. kageyama though, would go through some phases where he wouldn’t take his medicine and would induce terrible “episodes”. he hated that word, he wasn’t a sitcom on television. but that was another thought that he pushed away from his mind during the day.   
he decided to wear his one black hoodie and a pair of black skinny jeans. he knew he was going to look weird, being 5’11” and having a lanky body he wasn’t hard to pick out from a crowd. he didn’t really care though, no one was going to talk to him anyhow. as he put on his converse, he felt tired and someone euphoric. his medicine was kicking in, and he was going to be in a floaty state of mind for a while. he didn’t like feeling this way, but if he took his medication it made his mother happy, so he did it for her.   
he grabbed his backpack and passed his younger sister, nakuka, who was eating her cereal.   
“good morning naku” kageyama said as he strolled to the pantry, she replied in an excited hum, too busy eating to have a proper response.   
kageyama hated being a big brother. not because his sister was annoying, she was the exact opposite. she was wonderful and made everyone smile, but that wasn’t something that made kageyama hate having a sibling. he felt like he was her role model, but he couldn’t ever be that for her. he had a lot of issues, he felt so embarrassed that she had to endure that she had such a disgrace as her brother. no one knew how he felt though.   
his father rushed down the stairs in a business suit and briefcase in his hand, and a coffee mug in the other.  
“kids c’mon, we’re going to be late if you just sit here all day!” he said frantically putting the mug into the sink and slipping into his business shoes. kageyama thought it’d be a good idea for him to just sit there all day, but he knew he couldn’t.   
he sat at the dining table with his backpack and everything else ready, and nakuka had her backpack resting on her lap, ready to go. he concluded in his head that they were ready, just his father wasn’t. kageyama stood to walk towards the door and nakuka followed him, and soon their father was there walking out the door with them. just before exiting, kageyama hears his mother call for him.  
“tobio!” she yells, running out of her bedroom, “listen, i hope you have a wonderful first day. i love you, call me if you start to feel nauseous.” quickly, she kissed him on the cheek and sent him off for his first day at public high school.   
on the way there, his father let him choose the music to help him feel more calm. after deciding on jeff buckley’s hallelujah, his father scoffed and said it was too depressing and just switched to the news radio station. what was the point of letting him choose then?   
kageyama was dropped off first, after receiving a huge hug from nakuka and wishes of good luck from his father, he stood before karasuno high school. he checked his pockets to make sure he had his headphones, then walked slowly up to the front doors. everywhere he looked, he saw all sorts of genres of people. after looking for a bit, he swore he saw someone rolling a joint. he stood in his place, squinting his eyes towards the group of boys that were holding what seemed to be drugs. next thing kageyama knew, someone pushed into him, hard, and he fell forward.   
“guys, what the hell!” a voice said behind him, kageyama was too focused on the fact that he had his agenda in his hand and he spilled out some papers. he heard some apologies, but they weren’t directed at him. his hearing had gone muffled, and he slowly picked up his pages. anger and panic was spreading throughout his body, most of the pages were filled with random things he was keeping track of.   
“hey, man, i’m really sorry,” he felt a hand on his back, and he whipped his head behind him. once turning, he locked eye contact with a boy who was short and had bright orange hair. “ah! why are you giving me that look! i didn’t murder your dog or something!” the strange boy yelped and pointed his index finger at kageyama’s face.   
“okay.” was all kageyama said, before standing up and watching the boy before him shrink in height, if at all possible to become smaller, and he walked towards the school building. he heard faintly ‘what’s with that guy? you just tripped him.’   
kageyama was glad that they didn’t notice his shaking hands and his paled face. they probably thought he was usually so light in skin tone, and just didn’t see himself losing composure. he felt weak and embarrassed throughout the rest of the day. the only class he enjoyed so far was english, which he had fourth period. the teacher was having the class read shakespeare, which made kageyama happy. he was a strong lover of romeo and juliet so naturally he was intrigued. after receiving a class copy of a book, the teacher announced that was exactly what they’d be reading. though he wasn’t one to grin, he had a faint smile on his face while looking at the cover of the play.  
“can you stop eye-raping the book, weirdo.” a girl said beside him. he didn’t bother to listen during role call to figure out her name, so he turned and gave her a skin-ripping glare and she scoffed and turned away.   
kageyama needed to build barriers so no one could hurt him. that was how he coped.   
his next period was gym class, which he was thinking of joining band so he didn’t have to take it anymore but he sadly didn’t know how to play an instrument. he walked into the gym, and was immediately met with a shriek.   
“w-what are you doing here?!” the boy from this morning yelled out towards him, again, pointing his index finger at kageyama’s face.  
“… it’s my fifth period class?” he said confusingly, the guy just sighed and lowered his hand and walked over to the bleachers to wait for the teacher to call out role call.   
kageyama wanted to know this kid’s name, he was too annoying to ignore. he kept making weird noises of excitement, he thinks, the entire time before the coach showed up. kageyama sat by himself on the first row on the bleachers and fidgeted in his spot. it felt like everyone’s eyes were locked onto the back of his head, like he had grown another limb and they could all see it poking out.   
the teacher introduced himself as coach ukai, and then began shouting out names. kageyama was only waiting for the one kid’s voice to say he was here, so kageyama would know his name.  
“hinata shouyou?” the teacher called out.  
“present!” kageyama heard, he turned and saw that indeed, the kid who pushed him with orange fiery hair, was indeed name hinata. what an odd name, kageyama thought. the name somehow fit hinata’s personality from what kageyama could tell. suddenly, the boy was locking eye contact with kageyama, he quickly whipped his head to the front facing coach ukai. _oh god, okay, he probably thought i was staring at him. calm down._ kageyama was trying to take deep breaths to calm himself down, the medicine had worn off and everything seemed too surreal.   
“kageyama tobio?” the coach called out.  
“uh, here,” kageyama raised his hand and felt all eyes shift towards him, “can i please be excused to the restroom?” he said frantically, he knew his shoulders were starting to shake from being under so much attention. he was so uncomfortable, he felt he were to burst.   
“what for? class just began. you should’ve went before class started.” the coach said, few of the students giggled at his remark. kageyama was starting to feel like he was suffocating. he knew he was overreacting, but there was so many people around.   
instead of responding, he just got up and ran towards the bathroom. he heard his teacher yelling his name, but kageyama was already inside the bathroom and ran into the last stall. he locked the door, and slowly slid his back down the wall. this was too much, he knew he should have just done his last year with online classes. he thought it’d be okay, but it wasn’t.   
he was trying to even out his breathing, when he heard someone open the door. he held his breath, even though everyone saw him come in here. he needed to be alone.  
“kageyama?” it was hinata calling his name. “are you alright?” kageyama slowly lifted himself up and unlocked the stall door.  
“why did you come after me?” kageyama asked, but it came out more as a statement. he looked up and saw a frightened hinata, his gaze becoming more scared when he saw the state of kageyama. his eyes were burning, so they were probably bloodshot, and his face became pale and tear stains were most likely visible. kageyama didn’t even know why he was scared or upset, he just was.   
“man, you look like a mess. why are you crying?” hinata said, kageyama just huffed and wiped under his eyes with his arm.   
“i don’t really know.” he said, hinata looked like he was going to respond, but then coach ukai came in. he saw kageyama’s state and immediately told him to see their counselor. when the three of them walked out, everyone, including the girls class, was staring at them. kageyama felt so small and vulnerable in that moment. he recognized the girl from english staring at him, and he flickered his gaze to his shoes. he counted the holes for each lace to fall in, and the ridges on the front of his shoes.   
kageyama found himself sitting in an office, he didn’t remember how he got there. hinata and coach ukai was gone, when did he get here? he blacked out. there was someone calling his name but it was muffled.  
“kageyama.” a woman said, and kageyama turned and saw a pretty woman sitting on her desk right in the front of him. how did he not catch her? he was staring right at her. “kageyama, are you feeling well?” she said, getting up from her desk and putting the back of her hand on his forehead. kageyama was thinking how so many guys would kill to be in this spot, but he didn’t care. he didn’t have an attraction for girls, he liked guys. no one knew this, it’d be too cliché. a boy with a tragic background is actually a homosexual, it sounded too stupid.   
“kageyama.” she said again, pulling kageyama from his thoughts. he met her gaze and then immediately looked at her desk. she had photos of a little boy, and a pile of documents. her computer lockscreen came on and a photo of said child was bouncing from the edges of the screen.   
“i am okay.” kageyama said, “why am i in here?” he asked.  
“you were scaring your teacher and classmates by your behavior.” my behavior? kageyama thought. he was just crying, that wasn’t something odd or abnormal. it was human.  
“oh well, I am okay now. i can return to class.” kageyama said in a monotone voice, he was trying to show that he is okay, it more for himself rather than the teacher if he was honest. she nodded and pulled her hand away from his face, and pulled out a drawer that had a stack of what seemed to be hall passes.  
“if you start to feel sick again, I’ll call your mother. we’re still in fifth period.” she said after signing the pass and handed it to him.   
he quickly speed-walked through the halls back to the gym, when he came in no one noticed his appearance. good start, he thought to himself. he walked to coach ukai sitting in a chair and gave him the pass. after being informed he could do anything right now, a volleyball stopped at his feet.   
he looked down on it and no one was coming to retrieve it. slowly, he picked it back up. he could hear a faint voice in the back of his head, _you ruined our team._ no I didn’t, kageyama thought to himself. _yes you did. you made oikawa the way he was. you are a freak._ kageyama lifted the ball in the air, and spiked it as hard as he could. _I didn’t do anything. it wasn’t my fucking fault._ his stomach was churning, and he felt he were to throw up.   
“did you just spike that?!” he heard a high voice yell, it pulled him out of his inner fight with himself. he found himself doing that a lot today. he looked up, and it was hinata and multiple other guys looking at him. “did you?!” hinata asked again.  
“um… yeah. I did.” kageyama said nonchalantly. hinata seemed to shine brighter, and kageyama felt something pang in his chest. he sprinted over to kageyama, and handed him the volleyball again.  
“do it again,” hinata said exuberantly,” o-of course if you want to!” he added after noticing kageyama’s instant look of uncomfort. kageyama tossed the ball into the air and spiked it again, and hinata’s eyes glazed over in happiness. it made kageyama’s heart skip a beat, before telling himself to calm down.  
“do you want to join the volleyball team?!” hinata asked while jumping a bit.  
“what?”

so here kageyama was, behind hinata whilst he spoke with a guy named ennoshita who was the captain of the volleyball team.   
“so? what’s your specialty?” ennoshita asked.   
“um, when I was on my old team i was setter. but i don’t set anymore.” kageyama explained, “I could probably do middle blocker, or something.” he scratched his arm and looked at anything but ennoshita.   
“how weird! we actually need a setter right now, so you’ll do just fine.” ennoshita patted his arm, and kageyama flinched. ennoshita gave him a concerned look, but kageyama quickly switched his features like nothing happened. “well, um, we’re having a party this weekend. you should join us and meet everyone!” he smiled, and kageyama agreed. they exchanged numbers and kageyama went to his last class, racking in his mind everything that was happening.   
“sooo?” hinata was resting on the wall around the corner from where ennoshita and kageyama were speaking. _he looks good._ kageyama thought, and internally shook his head. _don’t fall for your friends, you know how that ends up._  
“he invited me to a party at his house this weekend.” kageyama said, hinata gave him a warm smile, and again kageyama felt his heart ache.   
“I’m going there too, we should exchange numbers so I can find you there.” he said coolly, kageyama felt weird. did he technically have two friends? why was hinata so comfortable around him, they haven’t known each other that long? they got each other’s phone number then parted ways.  
~

the week had flown by and kageyama couldn’t whip his head around it. ennoshita had messaged kageyama that the party were to be tonight and that he should bring food. food? what type of food do they have at parties? kageyama’s brain was hurting from thinking so much. he asked his mother what food he should bring, and her eyes lit with excitement and next thing he knew, they were at the grocery store buying chips and sodas.   
kageyama felt weird doing this, he never had to bring food to a party, he had never gone to a party before. what should he wear? he decided he’d ask hinata or the internet for help on that one other than relying on his mother. he carried the bags that had various potato chip flavors in them and two cases of sodas. he put the bags into the backseat and then went into the passenger seat.  
he fastened the belt and looked up and his mother was staring at him.  
“what?” he said with a confused look. his mother looked happy and sad at the same time, he was getting better at reading her emotions. he used to never be able to tell what she was thinking. his mother didn’t really care for him when he was younger, but she learned after the incident that she should be more considerate.  
“I’m just- “ her breath hitched, and suddenly she had tears rimming her eyes, “I’m so happy for you. you’ve made friends, and you’re going back into volleyball.” she sniffled and put her keys into the ignition, kageyama was dumbfounded. he didn’t know how to help people when they were sad.   
“I’m fine, don’t worry baby.” she said, then turned on the car and pulled out of the parking spot and they made their way home. kageyama felt uncomfortable, so he took out his phone and typed out a message for hinata.   
to hinata  
from kageyama  
Hey I don’t really know how to dress for parties. Help?  
he quickly deleted the message and forgot about messaging him for help. it seemed too weird to ask, so he’d probably just wear what he always wore. black skinny jeans and a tshirt or hoodie.   
once he arrived at home, he brought in groceries and then washed up. he got dressed and checked his phone to see any messages, there wasn’t any, and walked downstairs. it was 15 minutes till 8 pm, the time of the party.  
“are you ready kiddo?” his dad asked before grabbing the car keys and heading for the front door, “don’t forget your cargo.” _cargo? it was food_ , kageyama thought.  
once his dad arrived at ennoshita’s house, kageyama could hear the music coming from inside even while being in the car. he grabbed the chips and drinks and his dad reminded him to call if he needed anything.  
he walked up to the front porch and knocked lightly. no one came, unsurprisingly. so, he knocked harder and heard footsteps approaching the door.  
to his demise, it was someone he didn’t know. they were tall, with long brown hair, and seemed about ready to punch kageyama. he felt his legs go weak and suddenly his limbs were too heavy for his body and he was going to drop the chips and soda.  
“oh! don’t worry asahi, that’s my new friend.” he heard someone say, it sounded like ennoshita. kageyama was right, because not even five seconds later, ennoshita came to the door. “wow, you brought a lot of stuff. thanks dude.” he said, quickly removing the items from kageyama’s arms.   
“welcome to the residence of your king, ennoshita. that’s asahi who opened the door,” he said, “but don’t worry, he doesn’t go to karasuno anymore.” he whispered to kageyama.   
what was he? a delinquent? why was ennoshita his friend? he had so many questions, but before he could ask, hinata ran up to him.  
“hey kageyama!” he said, then pulled kageyama’s arm towards the living room. there were multiple women and men sitting all around a few couches, and hinata dragged him to the carpet.   
“everyone, this is our fresh bait, kageyama tobio.” he said in a joking matter, kageyama hoped. there was so many people he didn’t recognize. most of them seemed way older, or that they didn’t even go to his high school. they all welcomed him and kageyama quietly said hello back.  
“this is the kid who freaked out during gym?” a loud voice said from behind kageyama. he turned around, and saw a blonde guy with glasses on standing there. he had a smug grin on his face that immediately made kageyama feel uncomfortable.  
“tsukkishima! that’s rude!” hinata yelled, and shooed away said tsukkishima. “so, you might be wondering who everyone is but they’re all basically from different schools and what not.” hinata smiled. kageyama’s heart jump and then he nodded.   
“hey kageyama, are you hungry?” someone asked him, they had brown hair with a blonde piece in the center. he were really close to asahi, the guy who was at the door.   
“actually yeah, I am.” kageyama said, and the guy’s face lit up. asahi seemed to be filled with a type of fear? kageyama was confused but he couldn’t ask him.  
“well, we have some brownies. want one?” he said.  
“noya, I don’t think that’s a good idea-“ asahi said, before being cut off by ‘noya’s hand whipping over his mouth.  
“um. sure, I’ll take one.” it’s a brownie, why is asahi so scared? noya got up and walked to the kitchen and returned with an individually wrapped brownie. he tossed it to kageyama, and he inspected it. it looked homemade, but nothing wrong with it. he started to unwrap it and all eyes were focused on him.   
“what?” he asked. everyone laughed then looked away. kageyama took one bite, and surprisingly, it was the best brownie that he’s ever tasted. he quickly ate it all because everyone was looking at him, all their eyes widening when he finished it.  
“you gonna be tripping real quick.” a guy who had a shaved head said to him, “I’d know because I made them.” he said, before cackling and walking off.  
about ten minutes later, kageyama figured out that he was stoned. a guy named akaashi told kageyama that he had eaten a weed brownie, and then gave him a glass of water. he felt like everyone was watching him because he wasn’t acting like his usual self. his barriers were down but he didn’t care.  
“how do you feel kageyama?” a guy with salt and pepper colored hair said. kageyama thought his name was bokuto, but couldn’t remember.  
“I feel really great. I want to eat ice cream.” he said. everyone laughed and hinata grabbed his hand and brought him to the kitchen.  
“pick your poison.” hinata said wriggling his eyebrows holding up milk bars and fudge bars. he pointed at the milk bars and hinata slid one across the table for him.  
“kageyama,” he started, “you aren’t like us, are you?” he asked. kageyama stared at him, he had heard this question before. it was by his captain at his old school, iwaizumi. _you’re not normal aren’t you? not like us.. right?_ he can remember his expression. he pulled him away from the others, like he was an alien.   
“kageyama?” hinata said after a few seconds of silence.   
“well, I don’t know what you mean.” he said, and hinata sighed. like he knew that kageyama wouldn’t understand.  
“nevermind. I’m going to go upstairs, make conversation with someone.” hinata said, then escaped up the stairs. kageyama wanted to follow but his feet felt heavy like stones so he stayed put.  
“hey kageyama,” akaashi appeared from the living room. “are you feeling the drugs wear off?” he asked. he sat down across from kageyama, who was eating a milk bar messily.  
“akaashi has any of your loved ones died?” kageyama asked. akaashi eyes widened.   
“what?”  
“my boyfriend did,” he said, then let out a shaky exhale of breath, “well I guess he’s my ex now, huh?”  
“kageyama, um, you shouldn’t be talking about that stuff with me-“  
“no no no, I trust you akaashi,” kageyama smiled and grabbed akaashi’s hand. “I’m so sad. it was three years ago but it feels like yesterday.” kageyama’s expression faltered and turned into a quivering frown. he wasn’t going to cry but he felt like he had to.  
“what happened to him?” akaashi asked, releasing from kageyama’s grip to rub his arm.  
“he um-“ kageyama cleared his throat, “he and I were caught. his dad beat him, and we were separated. he had to go to catholic school, and uh- he um, he hung himself.” tears started to flow down the side of his face due to him resting his head, going across the bridge of his nose to the table. akaashi didn’t know what to say, it was a weird conversation to have with someone who he just met who is stoned out of his mind.  
“I wish he left a note.” kageyama added after a second, his face was hot and wet with tears.  
“what was his name?” akaashi asked. he didn’t know anyone who had shot themselves in this town, so kageyama must live somewhere else.  
“tooru. oikawa.” saying his name caused more tears to flow and kageyama lifted his head up to wipe tears from his face. the milk bar melted long ago and was sticking to his skin, but he didn’t care.  
“okay, I’m gonna get you some tissues, stay here kageyama.” akaashi said, then walked into a different room. kageyama wanted to see hinata, he didn’t want to think about tooru.  
kageyama slowly got up from the seat and walked upstairs. he saw a room at the end of the hall, and for some reason it just was calling his name. _I’m gonna open that door._ kageyama walked to the door and opened it, to be met with hinata making out with another person. they had long-ish hair that was dyed blonde with overgrown brown roots.  
“oh shit, sorry.” kageyama said, then closed the door. _what the fuck? what the fuck?!_ he thought. hinata immediately came out of the room, and grabbed kageyama’s arm.  
“um, please don’t tell anyone.” he said frantically.  
“why? you’re just kissing a girl.” kageyama shrugged, “no biggie.”   
“kageyama, that was a guy.” hinata said, kageyama’s eyebrows rose and _oh_   
“my bad, won’t tell a soul.” he said, then pretended to zip his mouth shut. hinata sighed in relief, then looked into kageyama’s eyes. _is he gonna kiss me? please do_ kageyama thought.   
“are you okay?” hinata said. oh.  
“huh? oh yeah, I’m fine.” kageyama said.  
“you’re crying.” hinata said, wiping a stray tear from kageyama’s face.  
“oh, yeah, sorry.” kageyama said, then backed away from hinata. “I’m just gonna go, tell your boyfriend I said sorry.” kageyama lazily waved and then walked off.  
“he’s not my boyfriend, but thanks. his name is kenma.” hinata said, then walked back to the room.  
kageyama wanted to get out of this house. he just had to talk about his dead boyfriend then walk in on his crush (crush?) kissing someone. at least it let him know that hinata was gay, or interested in men I guess. he went downstairs and saw two girls sitting by themselves, and decided he was going to talk to them. what about? he didn’t even know.  
“hello,” he mumbled, then sat down next to one on the left. she had short blonde hair, with a flower clip pinning some of it back. she gasped and looked away towards the other girl, who had black hair and glasses.  
“hi, kageyama, right?” the one with black hair said, “I’m kiyoko. this is yachi, nice to meet you.” she had a nice smile, and the girl with blonde hair, yachi, still wasn’t making eye contact. kageyama didn’t blame her, he looked terrible right now.   
hinata and the guy he was with came down the stairs, and akaashi appeared from the room he first went into and quickly walked up to hinata. kageyama saw akaashi talked to him, and saw hinata’s face expression break. he looked so sad, why was he sad? hinata walked over to where kageyama sat, and called for everyone to come to the room.  
“everyone! everyone, come out here for a second.” he said, soon people were piling in. akaashi was biting his thumb, and bokuto came up to him and hooked his arm around his waist. _are they dating?_ kageyama thought. “everyone, let’s have a toast to kageyama.” hinata said, then reached down for a random cup and raised it in the air.  
“what did I do?” kageyama asked, he didn’t do anything.   
“you exist, and you are our new friend. to kageyama tobio!” hinata shouted, and everyone at the party then raised their cups and said ‘to kageyama tobio’. more tears augmented and kageyama started to sob. hinata walked over and rubbed his back, and leaned down to his ear.  
“I’m sure oikawa was a great person.” he whispered, and patted his shoulder. kageyama started to cry harder, and akaashi came over and hugged him, then soon a lot of people came and hugged him. it was weird, and surreal. but it made kageyama feel loved. that he had some friends.  
“let’s go for a car ride,” hinata said, then grabbed kageyama’s hand. “lev! join us for a joy ride.” hinata yelled, then out of nowhere a lanky boy with silver hair came out and followed the two of them.   
“hey guys, you want to use my truck I’m guessing?” lev grinned, hinata nodded and out the door they went.  
lev was driving hinata and kageyama in a pickup truck, and was blaring a song that kageyama didn’t know.   
“I love this song so much!” hinata yelled over the wind that was whipping in the car through the windows that were down. hinata looked so happy, and bright. he then turned around, and opened the glass behind them and climbed out onto the bed of the truck. his arms spread like a bird, and he screamed into the dark abyss of the night. yelling, and yelling and kageyama could hear him over the wind and the song. kageyama realized now, that he had fallen for hinata.   
~  
it had been a while since that night, and kageyama and hinata got closer, kageyama even became good friends with akaashi and lev. he joined the volleyball team and went to practice every day. kageyama felt somewhat happy. he hasn’t cried since that day and he didn’t have another episode. he couldn’t hear voices, either.   
it was close to Christmas and hinata was going to through a secret santa party. kageyama didn’t know what this was at first, but after he looked it up he saw that he got a random person’s name and had to buy them a gift.  
it didn’t seem hard, until kageyama got hinata’s name. he didn’t know the type of things that hinata liked? he likes music, volleyball, food, and for some reason really stupid romance comedies. he didn’t really hate anything, so kageyama thought it’d be easy. but here he was, asking lev for advice.  
“hmm, well he really wants the cd for noah and the whale,” lev says while balancing a volleyball on his hip, “i don’t know where you could find it though.”  
“oh, well I’ll find him something else then, thank you.” kageyama says, he then waves goodbye to lev and leaves the gym. he wanted to do something romantic, maybe he could make him a cd of songs that reminded him of hinata. no one made those anymore, it felt way too cringey.  
kageyama played himself.   
once he arrived at home, he took over an hour getting multiple songs that reminded him of hinata. he thought about writing something stupid on it, like ‘this reminds me of your eyes’ or ‘this song describes us’. (he ended up writing ‘these songs make me think of you.’ despite how stupid it felt)  
kageyama was in the middle of transporting a song when he heard his door creak open.  
“tobio,” nakuka said, while slowly opening his door further, “what are you doing?” kageyama turned around in his chair and waved her over.  
“it’s a cd i’m making for the person I like.” he scooted over to the right side of the chair and patted the space next to him.  
“who is she?” she said, while picking up the disc.   
“be careful, and she is a he.” he said, she carefully put down the disc then looked at kageyama with a confused look.  
“you like a he?” she said, “isn’t that a bit weird?”   
“no, why would it be weird?” kageyama said, her head titled a bit, her long dark brown hair in its sloppy ponytail shifted onto the left side.  
“I thought dad said that was bad.” she looked down and started to pick at her kitten printed pajamas.   
“well, it’s okay if they’re really in love.” he said while patting her head, she looked into his eyes and he was reminded of his mother by her dark blue eyes and pudgy face. “likewise for girls, it’s okay to date if you’re really in love.”   
“oh, okay. I’ll keep that in mind!” she beamed, “have fun working on your disc.”   
“you better go to bed soon or mom’ll get mad.” he says jokingly, she giggles and walks out, closing the door behind her.  
he yawned and stretched out his arms. _so I’ve downloaded 12 songs onto this cd, and it’s now 10:21 pm. if I go to bed now, I could wake up at 5:30 am and get about 7 hours of sleep._ he changed into his pajamas and slipped into bed and thought about how hinata would react to the songs.  
~  
on the last day of school before christmas break, hinata said he wanted everyone to come to his house for secret santa. he also said to bring an ugly christmas sweater because they were to have a contest to see which person had the worse one. now, kageyama didn’t know what to do because he didn’t own a christmas sweater, and at last minute after school he had to go out and get one. after spending twenty minutes looking at a bunch of sweaters before settling on one that looked like a cartoon elf vest over a button up. on his way to the counter, he saw the most perfect thing to get for hinata last second. hopefully he wouldn’t mind something extra.   
kageyama arrived at hinata’s house, there was already people inside that he could see through the windows and he felt his nerves intensify. _he won’t think that my extra gift is weird right? it’s not weird._ he patted his pocket, feeling the jewelry in it. he took three deep breaths, and knocked on the front door five times.   
“hold on! be right there!” someone yelled from inside. it was snowing out, it was december 20th for god’s sake. kageyama held his arms close to his sides as the bitter air surrounded him. “the door’s open!” he heard again from a different voice. _what the hell? why couldn’t they say that at first?_  
despite the snow that was settling on the handle, kageyama opened the door and the room was completely dark.  
“um, guys?” he asked, no one replied. “okay, no, fuck this. this is how stupid people die in horror movies.” he said and heard someone laugh then immediately clap their hand over their mouth. kageyama turned around and headed towards the light switch by the door, when suddenly the lights all turned on. a ‘happy birthday’ banner was hung across the wall, and there was red and green balloons with streamers everywhere. everyone had santa hats and party hats on, and yelled ‘happy birthday kageyama!’  
instantly, kageyama started to have tears well up. all of the people from the volleyball club, and some of the older kids from the first party arrived. hinata stood right in front of kageyama, in his hand he had a white envelop that said ‘kageyama tobio’ and handed it to him.   
“what is this?” he wiped his eyes, and really took in everything about hinata. his hair looked soft, he wore an oversized red sweater that looked like santa’s vest (had they accidentally worn matching shirts? how did that happen?), and his small hands held the card for kageyama.  
“it’s your birthday in two days right? I had to find out on your social media.” hinata said, his smile was even somewhat soft. kageyama took the card out of hinata’s hand gently, and looked at the pretty cursive handwriting. to think that hinata took the time out of his day to get him a birthday card.   
“thank you,” kageyama said while smiling and looking down at the card. he felt like a child again, getting a card wasn’t that big of a deal. but it was, because kageyama hadn’t had friends for three years almost, and getting a card from a friend felt like something was right. when kageyama looked back up at hinata, he looked like he was on cloud nine. his eyes were glazed over, which did something to kageyama’s heart. that was soon over though, because kenma had somehow appeared next to hinata, causing him to be pulled from his trance.   
“hey shouyou,” he said, grabbing hinata’s hand, “oh hey, kageyama yeah? happy early birthday.” for some reason, this outraged kageyama. how come he calls hinata by his first name? he never sees them together in school, how come he could they have gotten closer? are they really a couple?   
“kageyama?” hinata said, waving his hand in front of kageyama’s face. “you okay? you look like you’re going to kill kenma.” hinata laughed. kenma just scoffed and pulled hinata away, leaving kageyama alone with the envelop. he turned over the card and read a faint ‘read while you’re alone’.  
 _okay, calm down. this could either mean it’s really sentimental or he’s confessing. breathe in and out._ kageyama tried to tell himself, but he couldn’t help but want to know what the letter said.  
“alright everyone! secret santa time!” bokuto and his friend, kuroo, said together. everyone gathered around in the living room, each with small presents and excited faces. akaashi greeted kageyama before sitting down with bokuto. even though it was rude, he had asked if akaashi and bokuto were dating and they confirmed that they were.   
after everyone passed out presents, they had to guess which person gave them their present. the only person who got theirs right was noya, who guessed tsukkishima- a blonde haired asshole. kageyama decided to wait to give hinata his presents, it felt too weird to do that in front of everyone. from kageyama’s secret santa, he received a tshirt that said ‘setter soul’ and guessed that it was akaashi but it was lev who gave him it. after thanking him, hinata tapped on his shoulder.  
“I’m going to guess that you are my secret santa?” he asked.  
“yeah but can I show you it somewhere else? it’s kind of personal.” he said quietly, hinata nodded and led kageyama up the stairs to his bedroom. his room was kind of what kageyama expected, volleyball posters and artists like hosier and the strumbellas on his walls.   
“okay, so, what’s my present.” hinata said excitedly while lightly bouncing on his feet. kageyama felt his nerves start to kick in, but it was now or never.  
“close your eyes.” he said, hinata obliged and his eyes shut. “open your hands.” hinata lifted his arms with his palms facing the ceiling. kageyama carefully got the disc out from his pocket, because for some reason they could fit it, and he gently placed it into hinata’s hands. “okay, you can open them.”  
hinata’s eyes flew open and he gasped. the disc was turned on the other side from his message saying ‘these songs remind me of you’ so hinata hadn’t noticed yet. he gave kageyama a genuine smile. it was so filled with love and thankfulness that kageyama felt like he was suffocating.  
“which band is it?” he asked.  
“it’s a bunch of them, I made you a mixtape of my favorites.” kageyama said quietly. a blush was spreading across his cheeks and his ears, making the skin scarlet red. hinata didn’t seem to mind and set the disc down on his bed, still having not noticed the message. “I uh- also got you something else.”   
“oh? do tell.” hinata said, if it weren’t for kageyama’s fear he might’ve gotten turned on by his tone of voice, but his nerves made up for it. kageyama reached into his front pocket and pulled out a necklace that had a small sun on it. hinata’s mouth was agape, and he carefully took the necklace from kageyama.  
“this is beautiful, thank you so much kageyama.” he smiled, then unexpectedly, he hugged kageyama. it was a nice hug, hinata had his arms around kageyamas waist and hands were resting on his mid-back and kageyama could wrap his arms around hinata’s shoulders.   
once they pulled away, kageyama looked into hinata’s eyes. never before in kageyama’s life had he wanted to kiss someone so badly.   
“hinata.” kageyama said in a soft tone.   
“yes?” hinata replied.  
“I really like you,” kageyama started, “I know we haven’t know each other that long but you make me a better person. you make me happier than I’ve been in the past few years of my life. I never thought I’d be able to smile again until I met you.” hinata’s face faltered but it wasn’t stopping kageyama.  
“you have filled a gap in my heart that I never thought I’d replace, you helped me so much and you don’t even know it. you completed me.” he says. hinata’s face had paled, and kageyama realized what he said.   
“oh god-“ kageyama said, before covering his mouth and running out the room to the nearest bathroom. he locked the door, and fell to the bowl of the toilet and began vomiting. everything he had eaten came up, and kageyama realized how much he regretted telling hinata his feelings. tears filled to the brim, threatening to spill onto his cheeks. he sobbed, for the first time in about 6 months, kageyama had sobbed. he pulled out his phone and began to dial his dad.  
“dad, please come get me.” he said as soon as his father answered.  
“what’s wrong? are people drinking beer?” he asked in a concerned voice.  
“no, dad- please just come get me.” he said, then hung up. he started to stand, but heard soft knocking on the door. “someone’s in here” he said in a harsh tone.  
“kageyama? are you okay?” it was hinata, of course it was. how long had he even been sitting in this bathroom? everything had blacked out. he slowly opened the door and saw a pile of people waiting out there, probably all concerned for him. hinata stood right in front of kageyama with a concerned look on his face.   
“I’m going home,” kageyama said and started to push everyone away so he had an escape route, “thank you for the birthday wishes.”   
“kageyama! listen to me!” hinata shouted, everyone became quiet and all eyes were trained on kageyama’s back. he slowly turned around and met hinata’s gaze. “can we just talk? alone?” hinata said, everyone started to back away from the scene and kageyama slowly walked up to hinata. they both silently walked into hinata’s bedroom again.  
“what is it,” kageyama said, he was still wiping his cheeks to remove all tears that fell. he was beyond humiliated.   
“you like me?” hinata whispered, as if someone were to be listening to them.  
“oh my god- yes.” kageyama said, feeling more bold but more panic, “I like you. a lot. you’ve made me so much more happier and comfortable in life, do you know how long it’s been since i’ve had someone like that in my life? do you?” hinata shook his head, biting his thumbnail and having a face filled with sorrow. “you don’t fucking understand. no one does. this is why no one gets close with me- I’m just some freak. why do you even speak to me without becoming disgusted? everyone was. everyone was horrible to me. why are you being so nice?” tears began to flow again and hinata reached up to kageyama’s face and wiped them away. he gently placed kageyama’s head in his hands and forced him to look him in the eye.  
“you are wonderful. you are amazing. you are not disgusting me.” hinata said, tears flowing from his eyes as well.  
“no, everyone told me I was a disgrace. I like men, I like the same sex. my aunt used to sexually harass me. how could someone live with this?” kageyama said, hinata looked horrified. kageyama told no one this, this was his biggest secret. “how funny, that I turned out the way I am with a tragic backstory. huh. I truly fucking hate myself.” and he started to _laugh_. kageyama laughed at his life, at his pain and suffering he had dragged behind him his entire life.  
“you are not a disgrace, you are human. you did not ask for those things to happen to you. you are amazing, you can’t hate yourself! snap out of this kageyama!” hinata shouted. if the house wasn’t quiet enough, then it became even more silent. kageyama could hear the noise of a car pulling up, knowing it was his father.  
“you don’t know hate until you truly hate yourself. you wouldn’t understand, so piss off.” kageyama said, then walked out of the room and down the stairs to his father’s car waiting outside. few people saw him exiting, but none stopped him.   
hinata slumped down onto his bed. things were going so well before, how did it come to this? he picked up the disc and started to twirl it in his hands. he noticed black marking getting on his fingertips, and turned the disc the other way and saw a scribble saying, ‘these songs remind me of you. – kt’ and he started to cry. hinata liked kageyama so badly, but he was stuck with kenma. he couldn’t hurt kenma, he would never bring himself to do so. he just silently hoped that kageyama read his letter.  
~  
the car ride with his father was awkward, probably because kageyama had tears streaming down his face and was having a slight panic attack. his father began to speed up because kageyama felt like he couldn’t breathe. his sobs were causing a lump in his throat, and he couldn’t swallow. it was consuming him.   
_you told him you liked him and how you were touched by a family member? you’re disgusting. that’s why hinata hates you. no one cares for you, they never did. they pretended because you followed hinata everywhere, like a lost puppy. you deserve to die-_  
kageyama had had enough. once he got home, he locked himself in his room. he couldn’t take it anymore. why did he have so much pain? he caused so many problems. he needed to die, he has no other way out of this living hell. even though his father and mother were banging on his door to let them in, he ignored them. they probably hated how they had such a fuck-up for a child. nakuka was probably thinking the same, she has such a disgrace for a brother. he can’t even deal with normal issues of a crush not reciprocating their feelings. he couldn’t even have a normal relationship, he liked men. the first man he fell in love with took their own life.   
_will I meet you in the afterlife, tooru?_ kageyama thought. he smiled, he missed him so much.   
he slowly got up to his desk, and spotted his bottle of medication. it was to calm him, but he wanted to be calm forever. sleeping forever sounded good to him, so he opened the bottle. his parents stopped banging on his door and probably walked off. no one cared for too long before they abandoned kageyama, it was always like that. he filled his palm with his medicines and downed them without any water. _I might as well leave a note_ , he thought. he grabbed a sheet of paper and a pen and began to write.  
 _I should be gone by the time anyone has read this. I deserve it, don’t i? to lead such a miserable life, it’d only be better if I were to commit double suicide with a fair maiden. surely, shakespeare would roll in his grave. mom, I am sorry for you having to take more out of your energy to care for me. you don’t have to anymore, so it’ll be okay right? dad- I’m sorry I didn’t end up as a professional soccer player or something, I know you’d be proud if i was. nakuka- I’m sorry for you to had such a disgraceful brother. tooru- I miss you every day, I see you in everything, and I hope you’re at peace. I will see you soon.  
hinata- you were the second best thing to happen to me. you change people’s lives; including mine. I fell for you the first week I knew you, and I know you had high hopes for me but this burden has become too unbearable. I love you, my sunshine.   
kageyama tobio _  
~  
the smell of plastic and the sound of beeping awoke him. a sharp prick in his right arm of an IV, and he could hear whispers around him. he woke up? he was supposed to die. what happened?  
his eyes shot open, and instantly the bright white lights blinded him and he cried out in pain. he couldn’t lift his arms, they felt stiff. his legs felt the same way, had he not been moving at all for a while?  
“tobio!” he heard a small voice say, it was nakuka. kageyama wanted to cry, but all of his tears were used up and he just felt numb. the soft embrace of her tiny hand intertwining with his made him regret wanting to die, and then trying to die. “are you awake brother?” she asked. kageyama couldn’t trust his own voice, so he nodded.  
“mommy! call a nurse! he’s awake finally!” finally? how long has it been? instantly, he felt a strong wind around him of someone running up to him, and suddenly a warm hand was over his forehead.   
“tobio?” his mother said, he felt like he couldn’t talk though. he just nodded, and his mother sighed. she pressed a button, most likely to signal the nurses, and then walk around the other side of the hospital bed. “please, don’t ever try to leave us again.” she said, grabbing onto the same hand that nakuka was holding onto.   
kageyama had been in a coma for three months, two weeks, and 4 days. his limbs felt stiff because they haven’t moved, despite being physically moved by the nurses and his mother. he had been put into a suicide watch department to make sure he wouldn’t try to hurt himself again, it was saddening if he was honest. he stared out the window of the room he were to stay in for the next two weeks.   
“kageyama?” asked a voice kageyama immediately recognized, it was hinata. he stood there at the doorway, looking straight at kageyama. he speed-walked over to kageyama, and pulled him into a hug. “don’t you dare do that a-fucking-gain.” he said, light sobs escaping from his mouth. once he pulled away, he took a good look at kageyama. he had become thin in his face from these months being fed by an IV. his skin was so pale, and fragile. it seemed like he were to break from any sudden movement.   
“I’m okay. I just had a long dream.” kageyama said, his voice was so sad and weak. it made hinata feel so much sadness for him. “please don’t give me any sympathy. it’s pointless.” he waved off. slowly, he walked to his bed, away from the window. hinata followed, though there wasn’t that much room there to begin with.   
“listen I-“ hinata started, “I know you just woke up but, did you, um, ever read my letter from christmas by any chance?” he said, while looking at the tile flooring of the hospital room. to think of kageyama living in her for two weeks, was horrifying. he wasn’t a dog that needed to be caged or something, he was just sad.   
“I didn’t.” kageyama said, and hinata let out a lengthy exhale.  
“alright well, um. basically, I was saying that I like you very much. but I cannot forgive myself if I hurt kenma but I broke up with him that night for my christmas party. I listened to your cd so much and realized that you mean a lot to me and I like you, maybe even love you but-“ hinata was cut-off by kageyama pulling him in for a kiss. it was messy, their noses were bumping and hinata was facing a weird angle. it was the best kiss that kageyama had had in his life though.   
“I love you too,” kageyama said. hinata smiled at him, like he was a real person. he wasn’t some lost cause, he had a brain and a heart. his past was terrible, but he still had feelings. he still knew how to take care of himself. he knew how to love, but he must overcome himself to believe in love. he who knows of love, must know of hate. and from there, the only way you can go is up.   
~   
kageyama was released soon after completely physical therapy, and returned to school. he wouldn’t need to repeat senior year, thankfully. he could graduate and finally leave this hell of school.  
all of his friends got into schools they wanted to get into, akaashi got into a nice photography school in California, lev got into a law school, and hinata got into a university to become a professional volleyball player. kageyama still didn’t know what he was going to do, but he was too busy figuring out who he was to worry about college.   
kageyama finally let go of tooru’s memory. he went to therapy to talk about his childhood, and soon learned that he cannot move forward if he hangs onto the past so much.   
~  
on graduation day, lev, akaashi, hinata, and kageyama all went on a drive in the red pick-up truck. though, akaashi and lev wouldn’t understand the troubles kageyama and hinata faced, it would be okay. as life goes on by noah and the whale blared through the speakers, the two lovers stood in the bed of the truck, and screamed. screamed till their throats were raw and scratchy, it was cliché. but when was everything about them not like a television show?  
“I love you” kageyama yelled to the sky  
“and I love you” hinata shouted back. they kissed till their lips were bruised, till the sky was no longer a pretty blue, till their graduation caps flew off their heads. they were going to take their futures and make them beautiful, no matter how much the past came back like weeds because, life goes on.

**Author's Note:**

> im sorry that this is very long and sad. if you stayed till the end, thank you for reading! 
> 
> this was more of a vent but i watched the perks of being a wallflower n felt inspired-ish. i'll probably make the playlist that kageyama made for hinata on soundcloud/8 tracks incase u wanna know whats on it :p  
> may or may not do small sequel as to their happy lives together <33


End file.
